the douchbag way.

on firing people:
DB: um yeah, so i guess you’re just not up to scratch and, um, so we’ll have to, um let you go.  so how does that make you feel?
<<insert me cringing here>>
fired person: not good. i mean, i just got fired.
DB: yeah, i know what you mean. but look, we have to advertise for the job again so go home, have a think, and if you think you can do the job, then apply and we’ll consider you again.
<<insert my mortified expression here>>

on following through:
me:  did you call [name] back? 
DB: no, i forgot.
me: well, they can’t work on wed and thursday so you’ll need to organise cover.
DB: oh, what should we do?
me: i don’t know.  what  should YOU do?  i’m going to lunch.
DB: damn i wish i remembered to call her back.  now it’s too late.
me: yep

on client facing:
DB:  do you want me to call [name] about that job?  i need to build a relationship with her.
me:  i don’t need to know about your relationships.
DB: let me call her and introduce myself.
me: um okay. 
on the phone
DB:  hi.  this is [douchbag]. i’m just calling in regards to that job you sent through and to intro-…  um, yeah, she’s right here. hold on.
me:  did you build a relationship?
DB: she wants to talk to you

and the day isn’t even over yet…  how much longer will i last? i am considering risking deportation and just quitting my job today.

so today is douchbag’s first day.  my manager took the two of us out for coffee.  great.  luckily for me it was noisy so i pretended to not hear what douchbag was saying to me.  i kept saying “what????” i have to train him this week and next week.  i so can’t wait.  i have been pleasant though.  supernice guy is amazed that i’ve been so nice.

in an interesting twist,  my manager pulled me into a meeting room to have a discussion with me.  as we were walking,  douchbag looked at us and said “do you need me to be in this?”  my  manager said no.  i think i may have given him a look equivalent to sticking my tongue out.  anyway,  my manager premised our talk by saying “i don’t want to talk to you about this but i will.”  and then his bloody blackberry went nuts and he had to excuse himself while he asserted his power over the weak.  i sat there freaking out.  was i in trouble?  what did i do?  did he find out about the moldy jellybean i put in douchbag’s pencil tray?  i thought about all the shoes under my desk i would have to lug home when he fired me.  as it turned out,  the job i went for before that fell through is back on again.  they want me.  they are willing to pay (they say).  WTF?  my manager said that he wass reluctant to tell me because he doesn’t want me to go.  same song and dance as last time.  this time i didn’t care.   professional decorum was not even a considertion.    i told him that i’m jaded and angry and as much as i want everything that has happened to be water under the bridge, i’m still really angry.  i think i even used the phrase “dicking me around” and i definitely used the word “bitter” more than once.  my  manager, somewhat taken aback couldn’t argue with me and actually apologised.  he asked how he could make it better and i said the damage is done.  walking out of that meeting room, i felt the most serenity i have ever felt since starting here.  my manager, trying to make amends i’m sure,  went out and bought me lunch and a coffee.

DB has been locked in a room with my manager for the past two hours and when i walked by, i think i saw DB’s eyes watering.  i almost felt sorry for him.  almost.  because of that, i won’t penalize him for going home before me…just for today.

in other happenings,  there aren’t many other happenings.  work seems to be dominating.  and i’m lame and don’t go out anyway.

and so it begins.  supernice guy and i are cleaning up our work area in preparation for douchbag on wednesday.  that also means preparing douchbag’s desk.  normally when i have a new starter,  i hook them up with supplies and notebooks and everything they could possibly need.  supernice guy and i have cleaned his desk out of the good supplies and have supplied his desk with the following:

• pens with no caps that we found under my desk
• broken stapler with no staples
• individual staples to use with aforementioned stapler
• broken paperclips
• leftover plastic cutlery and paper plates from our last treat day
• phone cord
• a jellybean that i found behind my desk (mushy and fuzzy.  yum)
• a long foamy thing what we decided was a wrist thingy for your keyboard
• post-it note pad with 3 post-it notes left
• OK! magazine from last year

welcome aboard!

today is monday.  tuesday is a public holiday in melbourne.  wednesday douchbag starts.  i may possibly have to work on tuesday which means i will have the place to myself,  i can take the screws out of his chair and plant gay porn on his computer.  i won’t, but maybe i will.  i probably won’t.  he’ll be his own undoing,  especially since most everyone here is quite dubious of his arrival.  i kind of feel sorry for the poor bugger…well, not really.

yesterday i felt sick thinking about it.  i can’t seem to stop the bile rising to my throat when i think of him being my new boss and that i’ll have to train him.  me and supernice guy have a list about a mile long of all the things that we’re going to offload.  we will ensure that he will not leave the office no earlier than 8pm every night.  suck it up dude.  we’ve beein doing his job for the past two months.  its his turn now.

1. my job.
2. being at my job.
3. doing my job.
4. getting out of bed for my job.
5. having to do my job on saturday, sunday and on the public holiday.
6. staying late because other people can’t do their job.
7. coming early becaue other people can’t do their job.
8. dark cirlces under eyes caused by my job.
9. the fact that i’m still at my job.
10. my job doesn’t pay enough.

i’ve been slacking off.  i know.  it’s been a horrible week and my manager was down from sydney on tuesday and wednesday so that means no goofing off (not like i had time to).  i was so over it all i faked a migraine and went home early…at 4.30pm (which is my usual home time). 

i actually have nothing to say.  i just wanted to say hi and acknowledge my crapness for not updating regularly like a good blogger.  work has been sucking the life out of me.  as soon as i walk into the doors in the mornings i’m fatigued.  by mid morning i want to cry.  by early afternoon i’m ready to pick a fight with anyone who tries to give me extra work.  by 4pm i’m ready to give up but i have to force myself to put my head down and work to inch closer to the end.  then i go home,  sleep, and wake up and it starts all over again.  when will this project end?

but that’s just work.  things are good otherwise.  i’m still reading one book a week or thereabouts.  the weather is getting nicer and that means i can walk home in the evenings.  halloween is coming up which isn’t a big deal here in australia but i’ll make some treats for people anyway.   i’ll make cupcakes with black icing so everyone in the office will walk around with black teeth and tongues.  hee hee.

typical.  monday. things have gone tits up but i for some reason am feeling at peace with everything.  everything will be alright methinks.

i spent the morning at the immigration place to get my physical done for my visa.  i waited about 2 hours in the waiting room and saw actual medical professionals for maybe about 5 minutes total.  someone in our sydney office is going through the same thing and he told me to drink lots of water before for the pee test.  i chugged two big glasses of water before leaving the house without knowing that i would have to wait in the seventh circle of hell for two hours.  i contemplated just going but then i thought that i would get called immediately after (because i’m lucky like that) and i wouldn’t be able to pee.  i would then get relegated to the ”special” roped off section of the office where people who couldn’t go were lining up at the water cooler and drinking it like they’ve just returned from the desert.  no way.  i just crossed my legs and waited.  i got scared after a while because i saw people going into the exam room and then coming back and sitting down to wait…again.  i never saw anyone actually leave.  made me think that i would never get out of there.  i’d call the brit from a dingy back room to tell him that he wouldn’t be seeing me again.  i’ve been forced to sew stuffed kangaroos to sell at the souvenir shop to pay off my visa.  ha, i wish.  my doctor was a breath of fresh air.  not.   he had a dreadful bedside manner and he looked completely bored with his job.  he asked if i was pregnant and showed me a picture of a pregnant lady in case i couldn’t understand english.   and when he told me to undress,  he pointed to a chart with a picture of a girl wearing a bra and panties to show me what clothes i could keep on.  he used a laser pointer.  i thought i was in some weird dream still in the waiting room but then he sneezed on me.  he squirted a glob of disinfectant in my hand like that made things better.  if i get swine flu, i’m going to sue.  i can because i’m american.  that’s what we do. 

my project at work has finally progressed but i didn’t get approval to proceed until 6pm and at that point, i was ready to proceed to the exit so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

douchbag starts in a couple of weeks.  it’s so convenient since my project should (in theory) be done meaning i will have loads of time to train him.  i’ll need to think of jobs for him to do like fetching me coffee and making sure the printers are loaded with the right paper –   real important duties that i’m too junior to do.  fun times ahead.

i love weekends but this one especially because it’s the first weekend in a long time i haven’t worked.

i’m all over the place but the brit is keeping my spirits up so it’ll be good to spend the weekend with just the two of us.  i need to recharge my batteries before facing another week at work.

it was gloriously quiet in the office today and i’m having a much better day because of it.  no one took photocopies of their backside but we were all tempted to do so…and then send them on to the client who turned the project upside down.  i walked around the office in my socks.  i’m dressed like a hippie designer today with uggs, jeans and dirty top.  it’s awesome.  ate half a box of biscuits from the cupboard and left crumbs on my favourite colleague’s desk.  i put jerry springer on the giant plasma tv in front of my desk.  freedom!

i promise i will write more next week.  have a nice weekend everyone!

sometimes i do need to look at things thru different eyes.  i think my life is shit at the moment but i know it could be worse and there are many things that are right that outweigh the crap.

things in my life are still in a state of uncertainty.  sorry for not being more specific but i will tell you more about it when it passes and then we can all have a good laugh (or cry) about it.  i have a slightly better outlook on things today mainly because this latest work crisis has kept me distracted and made me think that at least my life isn’t as fucked up this project…ah yes, remember that big project i was working on?  they just changed everything making everything i have worked on to this point useless.  in the meeting they said “well, we’re just changing the colour palette and layout so it’s not that big of a deal.”  argh.  everything i did was based on a prescribed layout and colour palette.  now i have to start all over again.  my deadline?  next tuesday.  nice.  at least i get to pick the colours this time.   and my boss thinks i’m a star for being so flexible and patient (like i have a choice).   perfect timing as it’s time to ask for a raise.  there’s always a bright side… if you look hard enough.

i saw a girl fall down in the middle of the street and her skirt flew up exposing her red granny panties.  at least i’m not that girl.   

the dude from sydney who was using the desk next me to who stored all of his dirty plates on his shelves is finally gone. with the dirty dishes gone, it doesn’t smell like feet anymore. i can finally breathe thru my nose again.

it’s almost friday.  and tomorrow is the annual offsite for everyone.  i dodged it this year, i swooned into my chair and cried “i’m too busy!” and was able to forego going.  the first year was fun.  i got the opportunity to drink with my colleagues who drank a little too much.  then i got the opportunity to see my colleagues in their underwear,  try to breakdance, hit on me, and trying to act cool.  i like them so much better at work.  so anyway,  tomorrow, everyone will be gone and i’ll have the place to myself.  i’ll be able to wear pajamas and make photocopies of my butt (if i were so inclined to do so).  i can eat all the Cheds in the cupboard without getting weird looks.  yes, tomorrow is going to be grand. 

it’s 5.20pm.  the sun just came out.  i’m going to sneak off home soon. 

see,  life is good. 

phew.  my monstrous project is done, for now.  just waiting on approval and then i move on to phase 2 (which, by the way, is just as crap as phase 1).  i sent off my files just a few minutes ago and now i can breathe.  and write.  i know you’ve been so bored without me.

i’ve actually been so busy that i haven’t had time to fixate on the fact that i’ve also been doing douchbag’s job at the same time which was a good thing.  but i’m back to fixatin’ cuz my project is done for now.  he’s a douchbag.  and he hasn’t started yet.  will he ever start?  we’re taking bets. 

i’ve been tempted to set up an auto-reply rule in my outlook for certain people i work with.  the reply would be “you’re a tool.”  it’s my knee-jerk reaction everytime i get an email from one of them and i have to wait a few minutes before replying to them or else i will say it.  let’s face facts.  they are tools.  i only speak the truth.

news news news…

oh! it’s the Brit’s birthday today! yay!  last night i cooked extra special dinner for the Brit, the Kiwi, and the Other Asian (dude, sorry about your nickname but I have to distinguish you from the main Asian (me) and it’s way better than Hand Job which is what i considered calling you (minds out of gutters people – he’s an occupational therapist specialising in hands – sheesh!)).  the Brit chose the menu.  we ate until we burst.  it was a good night. 

the Kiwi got the book ”band of brothers” by stephen ambrose for the Brit and i started reading it last night (his presents are actually our presents).  i finished Thurber finally which i quite enjoyed.  i am also trying to finish Gaudete by Ted Hughes which i started a year ago but never was able to finish.  it’s one of those books that i can’t stop and start because i lose track of what’s happened and who’s who. it’s also written in verse so the momentum gets lost.  it was a gift from the Brit a few years ago and he attached a note that said “…in places, this poem really gets going.”  he didn’t mention that the rest of the poem drags.  i’m determined to finish it before 2010. 

the Brit got me DVD box sets from overseas – House of Eliot, Ms Marple, Little Dorrit and the Forsyte Saga.  did i also mention that the Brit is required to buy me gifts on his birthday?  He’s trying to inundate my head with BBC programmes and not Australian entertainment or people’s court.  apparently he thinks i’ve become dumber too.  Not like House of Eliot is edifying but the english accents make it sound way more intelligent than judge judy. my plan was to watch them all this weekend but i had to work!  i have therefore amended my plan to go home at 1pm today because i’ve been here since 6am trying to finish my stupid project. 

about that link to the australian programme above,  had quite a lively discussion about it at work last friday.  most of the aussies i work with were mortified and embarrassed.  others didn’t see the big deal and then spent the next few minutes convincing me that they have nothing but high opinions of black people and then talk about the one black person they met overseas and how they consider them a friend.  i told them that the “i know a black person” logic doesn’t really wash in america but neither do black face performances.  things must be different in australia.  i have my opinion on it and so do some of my colleagues and i didn’t want to get involved in the dicussion, but i’m the only american in the office so they ask me.  “do you think you guys are being oversensitive?”  you guys?  my reply – “do you think you guys are a bit bogan?”  they should know better than to ask my opinion.

got an email from my father this morning.  he only emails me when my mother has a question for me.  my mother doesn’t know how to work email.  they always start like this “mom wants to know…”  and then he always ends with “if you can please let me know and i will inform mom.”  and then he always signs off “regards”  or “kind regards.”   my daily CNN updates make me feel more warm and fuzzy than emails from my parents.  when my parents write to the Brit,  they always sign off “love.”  i’m convinced my parents love him more.  it’s probably because he always unpacks his suitcase straightaway.   he’s such a kiss ass.

I am currently obsessed with anything  WWII at the moment (hence “band of brothers” on reading list).  it’s  been ongoing for quite a while now and hasn’t faded like my obsession with quantum physics (which came about after watching a series of movies about time travel like back to the future and terminator (very scientific indeed!)).  the quantum physics thing got a bit too nerdy and i envisioned myself playing world of warcraft at a LAN party in the near future so i had to put a stop to it.  on saturday, when i got home from work, we watched three documentaries – one on patton, one on macarthur and one about the battle of britain.  i feel my brain cells regenerating.  we are watching everything that has to do with WWII in including old movies which are the only movies my father likes – finally something in common.  i’ll have to write my father an email “dear dad,  we watched tora! tora! tora!  we can discuss at a later date.  kind regards,  your daughter”  he’d probably reply to the Brit,  and cc me.  maybe not even copy me.  that’s how it is.