crappity crap.

that just about sums up my day.  french guy isn’t here but i have someone just as annoying sitting in his seat.  he chomps on gum all day and bites his fingernails.  i’ve been grouchy all day and the printer next to him was out of paper and i just knew he was going to ask me to fix it so i picked up my phone and began a fake conversation so i looked busy (i’m pathetic).

my tights are too big so i’ve been struggling with them all day.  in the midst of pulling them up,  my fingernail ripped through them.  nice one.  i know distressed jeans are back but i don’t know about hosiery.  sister helen who taught me sixth grade english always had runs in her pantyhose.  i’m like her now.

i’ve spent all day formatting pie charts and now when i close my eyes, i see faint circles like when you’re looking at a lightbulb for too long.  i had a dream last night that the Brit and I were getting married, but i couldn’t walk down the aisle until i finished formatting a proposal.  i need a holiday.

time to go home. no time to really write today but will write tomorrow. promise.

turdsday

one more day til friday. i’m so ready for the weekend.

i tried opening another banana today.  better results using dull scissors but the top half got all mushy and deformed.  monkeys open them from the bottom and they can probably use their toes to do it too.  that’s why monkeys are more coordinated than i am.  the next time someone says to me “it’s so easy, even a monkey could do it!” i’m going to have to correct them.  it doesn’t necessarily mean that i’ll be able to do it.  chances are, i won’t. 

last night,  i had the following conversation with the Brit (btw, this is the closest to a fight we’ll ever get):
me:  i’ve come to grips with the fact that i’m a bitch.  oh, and monkeys are way smarter than i am.
Brit:  agree with you on the monkeys.  so, you’re finally taking ownership of you bitchiness?
me:  what do you mean finally??  do you think i’m a bitch?
Brit: why do you think you’re a bitch?
me:  why do you think i’m a bitch?
Brit:  why do you think you’re a bitch?
me:  no wait! why do you think i’m a bitch?  am i one?
Brit:  you just said you were.
me:  oh yeah.  would you trade me in for a monkey?
Brit:  if it were less bitchy maybe
so anyway,  yesterday at work,  i was vomiting out sarcastic comments to anyone that would come near me – it was just one of those days for me.  and “vomit” is the appropriate word because i couldn’t stop myself if i tried.  it seems that i lack some sort of filter in my brain and i just say whatever comes to mind – and most of it is laced with sarcasm.  everyone i work with is generally really nice and man, do they love to talk.  i hate talking.  especially when i’m busy.  especially when they are talking without purpose or meaning.  one of my co-workers asked if i was on the rag because i was” kind of bitchy today”.  kind of?  today?  i’m like this all the time therefore  i must be bitchy all the time hence i am a bitch.  but i don’t care really because that’s who i am and i’ve been like this for 33 years.  they still want to talk to me, even if it means they spend the day wondering if i was serious or joking.

i also realised that i’m a conformist all the while thinking that i’m one of those “outside the box” sort of people.  not.  i am a rule follower. 

 i follow microwave directions to a tee and i stress out when the Brit doesn’t pay attention (“but it says to put it on the middle rack and it’s not!!!”).  i follow the lines in the street (which drives the Brit nuts).  refer to figure 1 below.

fig. 1: crossing the street

the Brit and are at point A and need to get to point B.  for some reason the Brit is always on my right side too.  as soon as it’s time to cross,  i follow the diagonal cross walk lines while the Brit recklessly walks in a straight line (i don’t care if it the shortest path!).  i eventually start walking into him, diverting him from his straigh line. sometimes he’ll remember to stand on my left side.  other times he’ll  grab hold of my shoulders and steer me in a straight line (all the while i’m like “but…” and pointing at the white lines).

and you better believe that when i see this sign:

i am holding on to the handrail.  when i see small children not using the handrail or holding someone else’s hand (who is then holding on to the handrail), i get nervous.  don’t these people know what could happen?

and when my cup of soup says “let stand for one minute after heating” you bet your bottom dollar i’m going to wait one minute before eating it.

there are things i’m a bit more lax on – i’ll cross the street even when the green man isn’t flashing,  i’ll put my comingled rubbish in the landfill rubbish bin, i’ll leave my clay mask on for an extra 2 minutes , hell, i even put a ream of paper on the bit in the printer tray where it says “do not put paper in this area.”   look out!  i’m on a rule-breaking rampage.

the Brit is so blasé about stuff like that so it’s good that he’s around to calm me down (though i secretly rearrange the french fries on the baking tray to a single layer per the directions on the bag when he’s not looking).

friday (kind of)

friday for me because i have tomorrow off and monday!  yay for long weekends. 

it’s been so busy at work today, a million thoughts are racing through my head and coming out in fragments.  so today’s happenings will be dot points (i should’ve prepared a nice PowerPoint presentation to go with it).  my thoughts may be more coherent tomorrow.

• tried my new dress on last night. obviously designed for flat chested girls.  made mental note not to dance or move vigourously about.  also have to put the Brit on boob watch for any that may pop out (a task he gladly accepted)
• the Brit has 80+ hours logged to his video game now.  he killed the dragon yesterday though.  he says he feels like he’s on a roll – to where, i have no idea.
• am afraid our trip to america in july and my inability to save money will put us in the poorhouse.  the Brit had to talk me down from a ledge last night and assure me that i will not need to adjust my shopping habits.
• i want a donut
• after a couple days of massive worry,  i finally was able to do the “i’m not pregnant” dance (too much information? i don’t care, ya’ll know what i’m talking about)
• i shook my fist at a kid who almost ran me down with his skateboard.  how old am i?
• my new elliptical machine gets delivered on monday.  no more excuses.
• i’m wearing my burberry plaid shoes which match  my burberry bag exactly.  i feel like a tool.  i didn’t realise the matchiness until i left the house.
• i found $2 outside my office today.  i felt like i won the lottery.
• i have the day off tomorrow!  i am so cool.

too much booty in the pants

i have J.Lo’s ass. i know it. i was outside having a break and some dude whistled at me and made a comment about it.  normally i would be flattered that some boy other than my husband thinks i’m hot but i’m disturbed more by the fact that he drew attention to the one thing i’ve always been paranoid about. i was shattered. i resolved to do a full hour, (instead of my usual half hour) at an extra high resistance on the elliptical machine today.  i decided not to eat lunch.  i almost did a set of lunges in my cubicle.  i was going nuts.  i cursed my sister for being extra skinny and having no ass. 

Feeling despondent, i decided to read the huffington post to get my mind off my psychoness.  This headline caught my eye “Kate Winslet: I’m going to start loving my backside.”  aaah, epiphany.  i’m going to start loving mine too.  thanks kate for pulling me out of the doldrums.  (sorry i couldn’t watch ”titanic” all the way through).