tuesday.

a colleague of mine made the mistake of giving me sheets of bubble wrap to play with.  and they thought i couldn’t get any more annoying… 

my throat is killing me.  it’s a vicious circle -this cold/flu thing that i started here months ago.  it seems that it has found its way back to me.  my plan is to sweat it out with a long workout when i get home from work if my clothes are dry – i actually did a load of laundry last night.  the brit thought that aliens had taken over my body.  (hee hee, i said “load”).  anyway, the weather here has been really weird and i think it’s messing with me. my body is telling me to stay in bed.

tom cruise is in melbourne because his whats-her-name is filming a movie here.  i’m thinking i might hang out around the scientology institute (it’s down the road from my office) and see if there are any tom sightings (and maybe get a stress test while i’m there).  i’m going to have a find a poster of “cocktail” and ask him to autograph it citing it as his “best movie ever!”  i’m sure he’ll love me (everyone does!)

…. my bubble wrap just got taken away from me.  crapbags.  i’m going home.  promise to write more tomorrow.

going out.

saturday,  the Brit and I went to the pub to help the Kiwi celebrate his birthday.  after working for eleven hours earlier that day, i was not in the mood to put in any effort to look snazzy.

me: okay, i’m ready to go.
brit:  you look pretty…hey, wait.  are you wearing a nightie?
me: yeah.  so?
brit:  nothing.  you’re just funny.
me:  well,  i just want to be comfy.  and it looks like a mini dress.  and when we get home and i pass out, you won’t have to undress me – just toss me in the bed.  i’m thinking about you see?
brit:  always thinking ahead.
me: and that’s why you love me.

as it turns out,  i didn’t immediately pass out when we got home.  i ate a plate of chips and a cold piece of pizza and then passed out.  martinis are EVIL. 

first post of the day.

Friday. AMEN!

so…close…to…weekend

such a long day.  it’s been a struggle.  i spent the day..wait for it…reformatting pie charts.  the same ones i was doing the other day.  they made me change the colour scheme completely so that means everything else had to change.  i hate pie charts.

i discovered that neimen marcus ships to australia and i am totally addicted now.  i’ve been shopping all day (in between pie charts).  i will put us in the poorhouse if i don’t stop.  i think i need an intervention…or a second job.

i got caught frothing soy milk on our espresso machine at work.  coworker said i shouldn’t be doing that because then people have to clean it to get the soy off of it and i’m thinking…”but you’re supposed to clean before and after anyway…”  but what do i know?  so they’ve banned soy-loving me from using the frother.  i work with weirdos.

i think i previously posted about the two girls in my office that are always running off to the bathroom together.  well yesterday i found out that they are also gym buddies.  i went into the bathroom for some alone time and lo and behold, there they both were in workout gear…and putting on makeup.  i shit you not.  so i asked them where they’re going (maybe they’re going to a dress up party) and they said they were just going to the gym.  i had to turn away quickly so they couldn’t see the look on my face.  a few years ago, i walked into a gym and there was a woman walking on a treadmill whilst eating a bag of cheetos.  i had the same expression on my face.  i don’t get it.  that’s why i don’t go to the gym.

well, time for me to go. i’ve formatted my last pie chart for the day.  the Brit has a late night so ice cream for dinner for me tonight.  ’til tomorrow.

city o’puke

so according to the Economist,  Melbourne is ranked 3rd on the world’s most liveable cities. and while i admit that the weather is more than agreeable, people friendly, cost of living cheap, blah blah blah – melbourne deserves another distinction - the pukiest city.  okay, so i know i haven’t lived in every city in the world but i’ve lived in chicago and new york,  visited LA, london, boston, amsterdam, mexico city, tokyo, and many other big cities. i’ve never seen as much puke on the streets as i have here in little old melbourne.  i dread walking to work on friday (after thursday night bar nights) or saturday/sunday mornings walks into the city.  i always have to dodge at least one puddle of puke along the way.  i don’t get it -  at least puke next to a tree, not in the middle of the sidewalk.  i thought this was strictly my own experience,  but i mentioned it to two people i work with (who are aussies) and they agree with me (and whey wouldn’t they?  i’m always right after all!).

crappity crap.

that just about sums up my day.  french guy isn’t here but i have someone just as annoying sitting in his seat.  he chomps on gum all day and bites his fingernails.  i’ve been grouchy all day and the printer next to him was out of paper and i just knew he was going to ask me to fix it so i picked up my phone and began a fake conversation so i looked busy (i’m pathetic).

my tights are too big so i’ve been struggling with them all day.  in the midst of pulling them up,  my fingernail ripped through them.  nice one.  i know distressed jeans are back but i don’t know about hosiery.  sister helen who taught me sixth grade english always had runs in her pantyhose.  i’m like her now.

i’ve spent all day formatting pie charts and now when i close my eyes, i see faint circles like when you’re looking at a lightbulb for too long.  i had a dream last night that the Brit and I were getting married, but i couldn’t walk down the aisle until i finished formatting a proposal.  i need a holiday.

time to go home. no time to really write today but will write tomorrow. promise.

weekened review.

saturday
the Brit and i went out to dinner with friends on saturday.  i had a really nice time – sometimes i forget that i actually do have friends in australia and i’m not a complete moron.  the restaurant was a B.Y.O (Bring your own) so i brought a bottle of white wine.  i fully intended to share but everyone had their own too so i ended up drinking the entire bottle myself.  i felt great until i stood up.  then we headed to a pub across the street where i had three more vodkas.  there was a very quiet voice in the back of my head saying something about mixing wine with spirits but the music was too loud so i ignored it. i  was actually feeling okay – in fact, when we got home i even suggested that we watch the second half of “guess who’s coming to dinner” which we started earlier that afternoon.  the Brit turned on the telly, cued up the movie,  went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of port and by the time he got back to the couch, i was passed out.  i woke up at 4am with a splitting headache but yet feeling quite chuffed that i didn’t feel like puking,  trudged upstairs to fetch a glass of water and 4 Advils and passed out again. 

sunday
woke up and wanted to die.  vowed to never drink again. blah blah blah.  the Brit got up and went to the bakery and brought back super yummy gooey naughty almond croissants.  i ate the whole thing in under 10 minutes and felt a bit better.  i spent the entire day on the couch,  occassionally moaning so the Brit would remember to take care of me.  i ate nothing but crap the entire day but i was feeling too lousy to care.  i fell asleep on the couch and was woken up by the Brit yelling “f*king hell” and wildly swinging the Wii remote in the air.  boys and toys.

monday
that’s today and we all know how much i looove mondays.  i don’t know why i bother asking people here what they did this weekend because the answer will always be “i was here working.”  that doesn’t make for very interesting conversation and then i say something like “oh that’s too bad. i got drunk.” and then they feel like i’m rubbing in the fact that i didn’t work – well,  i actually am.  i’m good like that.  i spent the first half of my morning contemplating what i would be doing right now if i were a housewife and then i got some work in and i spent the rest of the day formatting a report.  not exciting but i’ve given up on being excited about anything here.  i stretched the job out for longer than i should have but it gave me a good excuse to miss our weekly operations  meeting.

i leave you now with my favourite conversation of the day.
me to sneaky co-worker (scw):  did you just put an empty carton of milk back in the refrigerator?
scw: well,  i don’t know what bin to put it in and plus there’s a bit left.
me:  on the bin labeleled “co-mingled recycling” there a picture of a milk carton.
scw:  no, it’s orange so i don’t think it’s a milk carton.
me:  right…
awkward silence.

it’s everywhere.

this morning, i was having a conversation with a co worker and we eventually started talking about our upcoming holidays in america.  he started telling me that he was looking forward to his trip but that all americans are basically uptights ignorant twats.  so i said “not ALL americans are like that.”  i mean, surely he would remember that i am an american and may possibly find his opinion a bit offensive. i’m a believer in free speech and free thought and all that crap, but i also believe in being polite (most of the time).  i think his hair looks like a dead porcupine glued to his head but do i tell him, no.   but NOOO, he went on about how they’re loud and rude and a bit snotty.  wha..?  i actually get on really well this guy and we joke around quite a bit but he wasn’t joking this time.  but bless him, he’s still so young so i just quietly listened, rolled my eyes and when he was done, i told him to get me a coffee…which he did (and that is why i tolerate him).  when he got back, he asked if i could hook him up with Yankees tickets.  way to butter me up.  not.

later that afternoon, i get this email from him.  subject line “best joke of the year” followed by no less than 8 exclamation marks.

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR – WORTH SHARING A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says…….. ‘Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!’ The passerby says, ‘You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!’ The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ‘Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ‘ The person says, ‘I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!’ The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you to the wonderful Australians!’ That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !’ He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you an Australian’ She says , ‘No, I am from Africa !’ Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the Australians?’ The African lady checks her watch and says …’Probably at work’ IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

i didn’t get it.  i mean, i thought i got it…but i didn’t find it funny, at all.  so i thought maybe i was missing something or maybe i was interpreting it the wrong way so i forwarded it to the Brit to ask him what was so funny about it.  he said nothing really and yes, my interpretation of it was bang on.   needless to say,  i didn’t pass the email on.  i eagerly await delivery of my three illegal immigrants.  whatever.

slacker.

i’ve been a bit bad at posting lately, i know.  it’s been busy but i’ll get back in the swing of things.  forgiven?

indecision.

we’re going to a wedding at the end of july and i need to buy a dress.  for weeks now, i had settled on an australian designer but then i started looking around and found other dresses i liked.  now i’m torn.  what to do…i’m tempted to get them all.  which one do you think?

dress #1 is the one i was going to get.  i put it alongside the other contenders.  a few things to keep in mind – i hate wearing heels so i will probably want to wear flats or kitten heels,  it will probably be really hot and a dress to hide my food baby after eating dinner and wedding cake is probably the best (but not super important).