i’m here to help you.

i’m in the middle of going through a gigantic pile of CVs and so far I’ve rejected all of them.  With the current financial crisis, many people will be looking for a new job. here’s a list  don’ts when it comes to submitting your CV (these observations are based on the ones i have rejected so far).  i thought many of these were a given,  but apparently it needs to be said. (these are probably the same people that need an umbrella usage guide).

• If english is not your first language, don’t give it away in your cover letter by saying “i’m learning english and am almost fluent” or use sentences like ”Furthermore, I am keenness in learning and committed to superior.” 
• I suggest PDFing your CV.  However, if sending a Word document in which you used tracked changes,  please delete all tracked changes.  I don’t like to see that under “Personal Attributes” (which, by the way, is really not necessary in a resume), that you originally had “hardworking and honest” listed but later deleted them.  It will make me wonder.
• For references,  don’t do this:
  “Jane Doe, current position: my aunt”
• “making friends” is not a hobby and really shouldn’t be listed under Relevant Experience
• Word art will get you rejected right away.  please see example (i shit you not, people think this will get them an interview)

• Always use spell check. ”I have strong attention to detal”  what?
• I’m sure it scored you huge points in the underage chat rooms, but you should really have an email more professional than donkeydick@blahblah.com.  another good one is hairlesswonder@blahblah.com.  wow, really sounding professional.  i wonder why they haven’t been snatched up yet.
• I don’t care about awards you won…in primary school
• “able to be at work on time” shouldn’t be part of your skill set
• Don’t cite this as a reason for leaving your last job “Fight” and then leave it at that (leaving me to think that you have anger issues). In fact, don’t mention it at all.
• Probably not good to talk about your Visa situation and how you would like to stay in the country
• When discussing your skill level at certain applications,  saying “my manager at my last job thinks my skills are excellent” doesn’t really count towards anything
• You don’t need a cover page for your cover letter that says “COVER LETTER” in really big letters along with a cover page for your CV which says “RESUME” in really big letters.  The only thing worse would be Word Art.

Where do these people come from?  It’s like god shook the rug out and all the stupid people landed at my feet.